Chariots of Whatever

Before I address, part two of Jesse's publication story I just wanted to send out a little update from film school.

My spring semester of sophomore year has just started.  It feels so good to be taking film classes again! Its like this old familiar, yet enchanting melody that just fills my spirit.  I guess I'm in love with God's stories! 

In one of my classes, New Media, my professor shared this really cool quote with us from the movie Chariots of Fire; "I believe that God made me for a purpose.  But He also made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure." 

This quote is so beautiful; my heart quickened after reading it.

As our professor said, some people think that you can only do the Lord's work by joining the missions field or going to seminary and becoming a pastor.

But is not our God so much bigger than that?  So much more free and bold and beautiful?  

Maybe the grace of God doesn't only come on the wings of those who have so boldly stepped out into the world declaring with gentle voices that the gospel is for the little ones.

Maybe it comes on the backs of the fragile little ones, too.  And we're all little ones, even the pastors.  

We ride in our chariots, whether they be made of fire, or stories or baseball, because we can not stand on our own.  We are pulled by the fine horses of God's pPower, His Love, His Grace, His Mercy.    

Our weak forms can only be pulled by such a powerful God.  And maybe that's what attracts people to us, the impossible racing before them in the fiery passion of people for their God, but the brightest flames of all come from God's Passion for His people. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

"It doesn't matter where the train is going, what matters is that you get on."  - Polar Express 

These past few months has been a busy one for Jesse and I. Yes, I do refer to her a lot in conversations as just Jesse. Being on a first name basis happens when you've known someone for six years.

Yep, six years.

Six of the most life-shaping years I have had on this earth. Not just because of Jesse, but just plain growing up. Six years ago, I was almost 13, now I'm 19. A lot can happen then. And it has.

So, out of the many things I have learned these past years, this is one of them: Things that are of God last.

Grace, mercy, love, and callings, they just don't go away. My calling for this book never left. Even when I dropped the ball, God held it throughout the most challenging years of my life.

I don't have to tell you what being a teenager feels like. Its just weird.

This book has been on my heart for a long time, God has blessed me with this calling. I am extremely grateful for it. Please forgive me as I put some of reflections of these last six years in writing and trace Jesse's progress through them.

It all started one Saturday morning a little over six years ago. I was enjoying the summer before I started 7th grade. My dad, sister and I were going out for donuts as we usually did. I had written a few short stories by then, but nothing that fell even close to being good. So there I was sitting in the car, when all of a sudden I got an idea about a K-9 police officer that had been given a lofty position in the department because of the heroic work that she and her dog had done in the army. Her sergeant was all proud of her and stuff, it was set in modern times but had that "good-old-boy-1940s" feel to it. But anyway then Jesus snuck in the idea, what if she grew up in an abused home and then went into the army.

I remember sitting there in the grocery store with my donut, not knowing exactly what this whole story was about but having fallen completely in love with it.

This brings up a great point. This story idea had to have been from God because Jesse's childhood and my childhood are so different. I have never known such physical and emotional abuse as that. Everybody has their struggles sure, but praise God, they were never so intense.

I remember I went home and immediately began writing. "Again. Again the belt fell like a line of fire whose only pleasure was to make my back burn." Except for the extra "again" at the beginning that line has stayed the same this whole time.

The first draft took only two months to write. I finished it mid-August of that year. I remember finishing it in the car on the way to visit my Grandpa in the hospital.

My Grandfather's illness was one of the many things God would carry me and our book through.

The original draft was about 20 pages and sorely lacking in any kind of plot...that would come later!

But I was Junior High student, what did I know? I proudly typed it up and had it ready to share at Thanksgiving, which again was spent in the hospital with my Grandpa.

I remember being so nervous when I asked Dad to read it to everyone that I actually hid in the bathroom for a while. We got about half-way through that night. The reaction was positive for the most apart. Although Grandma did entertain the notion for a while that my daddy was abusive. No he is not! My father is the spitin' image of Mr. Peterson....except he is not a carpenter.

As for the plot? Still lacking, sorely lacking.

But God must have seen something in it because He kept the desire in me, even after the death of my Grandpa. That was incredibly hard on me. He and I had been very, very close. To this day I regret that I am unable to share things with him anymore. Can't ask him for help with my science homework, can't show him pictures of my missions trip to Kenya, can't show him my book. Jesus was extremely faithful to me during those hard times after his death. He never let me go, even though I often wanted to let go of Him. God is awesome like that! I serve a very good God!

Even through my grieving God kept Jesse safe for me. About a year after I had finished the first draft I got an opportunity at some real feedback! Family will only get you so far. You need someone who doesn't live with you and will not be in the vicinity of oncoming wrath when you tell them that things have indeed gotten very ugly. And they were.

At the time my Mom worked part-time at a bank. The owner of a small publishing business did his banking at her company. I guess I had a proud Mama 'cause I got brought up in their conversation. This man must have the grace and patience of God because he offered to read my book! My beautiful plot-less book!

I'll admit, I thought it took FOREVER for him to read it. (Course I suppose you can only stomach so much of must at one sitting) I was getting pretty frustrated. However, the wait was well worth it! He sent me a beautiful e-mail. He said commented on things like my descriptions, but he said one thing I will never forget. "Writing is rewriting. You write then you rewrite and rewrite until you finally get it right." I was pretty inspired after that!  So I guess that's part one of the story!  More to come!  Psalm 131

You Have to yell Action Before You Can Shout Cut

Today I tried to make a scene list for Soldier. This is a little trick I picked up from one of those "how-to" writing books. Don't get me wrong I think those kind of books can be very helpful, but they can also dry up my creative juices. Kinda like missing out on the full joy and power of Christianity because you look at it like a religion instead of  a relationship.

See I write the kind of books I want to read. So I like to have the sense of mystery when it comes to writing. Of course, I will never be that surprised because I know where I want to go with the plot.

I tried to figure out this scene list in just one short day, which is pure lunacy just on its own. You can't figure that much out in one day.

The problem that started this whole problem was that I would be writing dialogue or a scene that was way farther in the plot then I actually had on paper.

I didn't see this as productive.

So I tried to make it "legal" by creating a checklist, if you will, of scenes.

I didn't get to far.

I soon realized that I didn't really want to be doing this.

So what if I write something further ahead in the plot. I'm all for daily goals, schedules, personal quotas, and that sort of thing, but those are going to be hard scenes! Perhaps it is a blessing that my sub-conscious is already scheming them up, because those scenes are going to require a lot of work!

Back before Runaway didn't have its own title and was just "Part 1" someone told me writing is rewriting. That is about the truest statement I have heard outside of the Bible. The first manuscript of Runaway was nothing more than a detailed plot outline.

Although, things are not as bad for Soldier. Soldier, I know what needs to happen in this book and I know where I am going to cut it off, so part three can pick it up.

My problem is I am afraid to write garbage, I'm afraid that I will write something silly or stupid or, heaven forbid, unrealistic.

So instead of writing a brilliantly crafted, well organized masterpiece I write squat.

If there is one thing harder to work with than junk its nothing.

Oh that I could learn that!

I have the same trouble in my walk with Jesus. Well, what if Jesus wants me to do that? What if he doesn't want me to do this. I need to think about it some more, I need a sign, I need a nap, I need chocolate, I need Dr. Pepper.

Blah, Blah, Blah

There is a great episode of the old Dick Van Dyke show in which Rob and Laura hire a painter to repaint there living room. Only the painter is a real goof ball and hasn't accomplished much of anything through out the weeks of his employment. His employers aren't making much of a stand against his ways either.

So one night Rob and Laura are getting ready for bed, walking though the living room with its covered couches and tables, but no new paint.

Laura has just about had it and tells Rob, "You know what I'd wish you do?"

Rob looks at her expectantly.

"SOMETHING!"

Okay, I admit it, that was a long way to go for not a lot. But it so true. Think of the parable of the three servants in Matthew 25, the only servant that got yelled at was the one who didn't do anything with the money he had been getting.

The others did something with the cash. They invested it, they had success Jesus didn't say whither or not they encountered difficulties, but at least they took action. The master in the parable said, "Why didn't you deposit my money in the bank? At least I could have gotten some interest on it." But what did the servant do instead? He buried the money in a hole out of fear.

I think that is something we have forgotten,

the power of action.

Through Heaven's Eyes

Monday night I decided to relive my childhood and watch The Prince of Egypt.  I loved that movie as a kid and still do!  One of the songs in the movie, Through Heaven's Eyes, gets stuck in my head so easily!  But God would use it to speak to me through out the week.

A funny thing happens when you get close to finishing a goal, even the smallest inconvenience and set-back can be blown up to some major problem.  Not to good for the old moral.  Tuesday the self-publishing company I am working with sent me an e-mail to tell me that they had the wrong card number for a payment.  Well you would have thought they had grabbed the money and ran they way I carried on about it.  

Even this morning I was still upset.  Mad that this would delay the printing of Runaway.  

"I've been working on this for five years!  Could it take any longer?"  I was a real jerk about it. 

But the Lord in all of his gracious mercy reminded me why I write.  

Of course I still had Through Heaven's Eyes fresh in my mind.  Naturally I listened to it on YouTube.  At last I leaned back and let my worries go for just a moment to focus on the lyrics.  Perhaps the part that got me the most was  "So how can you measure the worth of a man in wealth, or strength, or size? In  how much he gained or how much he gave?  The answer will come to him who tries to look at this life through heaven's eyes."  

That got me good.  

Although I wanted to get this book published and printed for God I was trying to hard.  As other prayer partners have told me by job is to write,   let God worry about card numbers, sales, and technical stuff.  Through heaven's eyes my true success in this matter would be measured by how much I trusted and relied on him.  

None of us are exactly on our own.  "The steps of the godly are directed by the LORD.  He delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:21

My job is to write!

God is releasing me from all these burdens.  "For his yolk is easy and his burden is light."  That is Matthew 11:30.  

My job is to write.  

It has taken God a while to teach me that this gift of mine is to be used for his glory and purposes.  Before I tried to hide it from him, like a kid hiding a cool toy from his parents.  I was so stupid!  But that's okay cause when I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree it shows just how bright God is.  

My job is to write...for God.

And I will write for God.  That is my pride and joy.  

If those of you who are reading this someday read my book and think "Wow.  That's cool!"

Don't tell me I'm cool, that's Jesus' job.  Tell Jesus he is cool.  He made this book far more than what I had ever hoped.  He changed the plot...he created one.  I'll admit my first manuscript was a little lacking.  

But I just keep writing and writing and writing till finally five years later, it had become something I had would never have imagined back in 7th grade. AND I LOVED IT! 

I wonder if back then when I was just starting out, what I would have seen if I looked through Heaven's eyes more often?

God is good, my friends.